this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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