SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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