Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
