Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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