Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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