if only i could text you this smell
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
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