Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
