My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
