Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
