I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
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