hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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