The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Randomize
