he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
