My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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