You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I am available for nakedness
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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