I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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