I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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