I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
