I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
