Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
