I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize