the only muscles i have these days is kegels
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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