my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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