I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
