Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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