my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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