bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
