i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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