Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
