Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
the condom got lost in my hair
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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