First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
