So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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