i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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