The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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