Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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