My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
A+ Viking dick
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
