i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
