dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
