somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
