I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
