The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
