There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
