THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize