i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
