so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
