Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize