Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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