the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
