You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
