my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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