if only i could text you this smell
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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