Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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