Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
