Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
