We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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