I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
